If there is a complicated phase that serves as a test of patience for parents, the tantrum and outburst stage is when we get to review our parenting methods and reinforce certain points that may be getting left behind. We shouldn’t feel guilty when we go through a public situation, like a typical scene filled with lots of crying and collapsing on the floor because you said you wouldn’t buy the snack your child wants.
After all, tantrums are the way babies and children express what they feel, what they want, and what they don’t want. Since they don’t yet know how to handle these feelings, they end up behaving with a burst of emotions or misbehavior as seen by others. But all this is part of their development, and it will be the gateway for this new lesson, depending only on us parents to know how to handle the situation and teach them to face this phase. Teaching them to deal with and understand the word NO is the starting point. Learning that they can’t have everything they want, much less at the moment they want it, is also essential so they can control their emotions when things don’t go their way, no matter the situation or environment. Tantrums can be part of child development, but they are also linked to a lack of limits set by parents. That’s why there’s a real need to teach them, so they don’t become uncontrolled teenagers and adults, with no emotional control at all.
Tantrum sessions and outbursts really happen as a test of patience, to see how firm parents will be in their decision or if they will give in to avoid embarrassment in public or to stop the crying. This is the moment when many parents make mistakes, and to end the show, they end up giving in and doing what the child wants. There you go, the child got what they wanted, and it was easier than they thought. You can be sure that next time they will do it again and again, as many times as they feel necessary to get what they want, since mom and dad give in as soon as the child starts to cry or throws themselves on the floor. Instead of ending the outburst by giving in to the child’s wishes, why not teach them this is not the right way? That this is not how situations are resolved, and certainly not a way to get what they want. Does teaching take more work than giving in to the children’s whims and demands? Believe it, the answer is no! The best way to resolve and address these issues is to be firm, and never lose control of the situation. Some child behavior specialists say that the most effective way to act in the face of such a scene is to let the child thrash and cry as much as they want without parents showing any reaction—just ignore them. This way, the child will realize that throwing a tantrum is pointless, as their parents won’t do what they want, and the patience test will be passed.
But let’s be honest: it’s very hard to see your child on the floor, screaming, crying, and causing everyone around you to give you judgmental looks, without getting upset. That’s why we should count to 10, take a deep breath, and act in the most coherent way to resolve the situation. Whether that means ignoring the scene so the child gets tired and stops on their own, or taking control and, as calmly as possible (which is not easy in this moment), sitting them down and pointing out how inappropriate their attitude and behavior are, and—with a good conversation—describing the ugly scene they are making and that it could have been handled differently.
Tantrums by Age
In most cases, tantrums begin around 2 years old and can last until the child is 5 or 6 years old. However, there are isolated cases where this bad behavior starts earlier, around 18 months old. Babies who express themselves this way usually have a stronger temperament, since they are still too immature to understand certain rules. From the age of 2, they can already accept and follow rules imposed by parents and caregivers, making it possible to understand when told “you can’t yell and cry for no reason” or “you can’t hit people” in the case of an aggressive child. It is important to teach them the value of talking and learning to ask for what they want without crying.
During a tantrum, bend down to the child’s level and talk to them. Explain why they can’t do what they want and the reason you said no. Teach them that through conversation, you can reach an agreement, and that making a scene will make them lose the opportunity to express themselves properly, or even to get what they want. Punishment is also one way to show bad behavior and will make them think twice before acting up, especially between ages 4 and 6. Showing who sets the rules is essential to ending tantrums, but never abuse authority. After all, parents should teach, guide, and use their authority to provide education and show the best path. It’s important to show that every action has a consequence and that everything they do will have an effect, whether good or bad. If they do something wrong, they’ll lose something they like temporarily because of their actions. If they make a mess, they should clean it up and so on. Believe it, the tantrum phase will pass and with a lot of calm and love, the patience test will be overcome. And then, new phases of childhood development will come!
See Also: Spoiled Child – How to Create Little Dictators
Photos: Andrew Steele, Eduardo Millo
