When women get pregnant, the unsolicited advice starts as well. It’s funny how so many people think they know everything, absolutely everything about other people’s pregnancies, and how first-time moms should and shouldn’t act. But in reality, what bothers first-time moms the most? What upsets them more? What are the absurd (but sometimes not so absurd) remarks that could really stress her out? Let’s start with pregnancy—this is a delicate stage for women. Her hormones are running wild, bringing with them many changes. It’s best to turn a deaf ear to some pearls of wisdom from those around new moms.

No nausea? That’s just fussiness! When I was pregnant I didn’t feel any of that. We must remember that every body reacts differently to pregnancy. If you didn’t have symptoms like nausea or morning sickness, consider yourself lucky and don’t criticize when a pregnant woman tells you about this symptom. Pregnancy nausea can be terrible for some women. Be supportive, ok?

Wow, your belly is so small, I don’t think you’re eating right, you need to eat for two! Are you sure your baby is growing properly? Again, every body reacts differently when it comes to weight gain during pregnancy, and the size of your belly doesn’t mean anything! Some women have small bellies, gain very little weight, and still have babies around 4kg! And it works the other way, too—it doesn’t mean that if you gained 20kg during pregnancy, your baby will be chubby. The baby’s size depends on the parents’ genetics, and all you need to do is check with your doctor that everything’s ok. If it is, relax and let the busybodies talk.

40 weeks? I think it’s time for your baby to be born! Just have a C-section already! Do you want your baby to die in there? For those who don’t know, pregnancy lasts 280 days or 40 weeks, but because doctors add 2 extra weeks (from the first day of your last period), a woman can actually be pregnant for up to 15 days longer with no problem at all. That’s why some doctors count up to 42 weeks. If after 41 weeks your baby hasn’t shown signs of wanting to be born, then see your doctor or go to the hospital, but don’t panic at 39 or 40 weeks, ok?

Sleep, sleep a lot! You have no idea how tiring it is to take care of a baby. They wake up all the time, so you need to rest now. That part is true—after birth, first-time moms really do get very tired. The problem is, sleep doesn’t come easy! For anyone who’s never been pregnant or doesn’t remember anymore, when you’re pregnant you can’t find a comfortable position to sleep in. If she’s not sleeping, it’s not because she doesn’t want to—it’s because she can’t.

Pearls of Wisdom for First-Time Moms After Birth

After the baby is born, the flood of advice and opinions for first-time moms gets even bigger! Who hasn’t heard at least one of these comments? What should you do when someone upsets you with one of these suggestions?

Just give that baby a bottle already, they’re crying because they’re hungry! For the clueless visitors, breast milk is the best source of nourishment for a baby. In the first few days, colostrum (the first mother’s milk) may be lighter and more watery, but it still sustains! The best reply you, as first-time moms, can give is: Don’t worry, soon my milk will come in fully and I’ll have enough to even donate to your grandkids (children).

Sometimes the advice is tough to swallow, but let’s keep a straight face so we don’t offend the visitors.

Wow, your baby is small, huh? 2500g is not much, mine was born at 3800g! Oh boy, how many times do we need to say that every DNA is different? The baby’s weight depends on the parents’ build. If they’re tall, the baby is likely to be bigger and slimmer. If they’re short, likewise… Each child is unique and should never be compared—not even with their siblings.

This baby cries too much. Why don’t you just pick him up? Or, this baby will get too used to being held, that’s why he’s crying. Of course babies cry! It’s the only way they can communicate with the world, ma’am! But if the mom notices that the crying is from pain (louder and sharper), then it’s time to be concerned. Young babies cry even because they’re hot, stressed, scared, or insecure… Relax and follow your instincts, as all first-time moms should.

Look at that baby, they’re cold (or hot). Dress your baby according to how you feel. Babies don’t get colder than we do, but they should be protected—long sleeves if needed. Don’t dress your baby in wool clothes in 34-degree heat just because your aunt said so. Babies can wear short-sleeved bodysuits and footed pants, they won’t get sick because of it. If you notice their hands are cold, add more layers, but always use common sense.

Every family has its own rhythm, so don’t stress over other people’s timetables. You should set your own routine, in a way that’s best for you and your baby. Remember, the first days can be harder, with lots of visitors, but soon it will pass—and no matter how tough things seem, things will work out.

Here’s a tip for first-time moms: if someone wants to help, like your mother-in-law, mom, or sister, accept. Even if just for a few days, and regardless of their opinions. Remember, postpartum is a time of adjustment and any help is welcome. Let go of your habits, at least for now. It’ll make things much easier. Relatives, don’t offer to care for the baby—offer help with other things, like meals, laundry, or the house. That will make the new mom’s life much easier and leave a great impression.

Also see: Basic Etiquette Manual for Visiting a Newborn

Photo: G. J. Charlet III, sean dreilinger