Daniela is pregnant and is now facing a very different reality from the one she had dreamed of for her pregnancy, see for yourself!
Every day, when I wake up, I look at my belly. That obsessive check, to see if the baby has grown, if I look pregnant, if my belly is bigger today than it was yesterday… And I always get a bit worried: “It’s smaller. Am I still pregnant? Is everything okay with the baby?” Anxieties… Lots of anxieties.
It’s because I have already lost a baby. Almost a year ago, I had a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is like this: you have no idea, but when you get the ultrasound, the baby you saw beautiful and healthy on the previous scan and whose heartbeat you heard, excited and emotional, is no longer beating. And there you are, not knowing what to do with the news—the last thing you expected to hear when you excitedly invited your husband to see the baby for the first time. Not knowing what to do with yourself, with the tears that won’t come out, with the dry throat, with your husband’s eyes you don’t want to meet, with the ground you can’t seem to find, with the hours, days, and weeks you’ll have to face, with the loneliness and emptiness, which will always make you remember.
It was painful. For both of us. And the journey towards a second pregnancy was long and full of ups and downs.
But it came, and in the third month, a rather scary piece of news arrived too: I would have to undergo a cerclage (a surgery that puts a few stitches in the cervix, which due to some physiological fault, isn’t properly closed, increasing the risk of late miscarriage or premature birth). Along with the cerclage, came the recommendation for bed rest.
I went through the surgery and now I’m “enjoying” the bed rest. I keep thinking about the things that, as a pregnant woman, I’ll miss out on: showing off my belly around, using the priority line, taking those classic maternity photos at the beach, wearing maternity clothes, shopping for my baby’s things, having a big party at the baby shower… But none of this brings me down. Of course, this wasn’t my plan when I imagined being pregnant. But I am happy with every ultrasound where I hear my baby’s heartbeat, see his arms and legs moving, watch his weight increasing… Now that I can feel his movements—which, in my case, come with a sharp pain in the uterus, a result of the surgery—I feel confident and calm: my baby is strong and healthy. Pregnancy is a short period, soon my baby will be here and all this anxiety will have passed, it will all have been worth it. And I’m sure I will forget all of it the minute I hold him in my arms.
Today, 4 months pregnant, with 5 more months of rest ahead of me, as I go through this mysterious journey, and despite the difficulties that may arise along the way, I feel special and powerful: I am creating a new life. We women have superpowers—we are superheroines: we have the gift of forming a new being inside us. There is no miracle greater or more rewarding than this. Everything else becomes small and insignificant compared to this honor and privilege. And all my pains, my disappointments, my losses, my fears, my insecurities, and my battles dissolve and fade away at this wonderful prospect: in 5 months, I will be a mother.
And I can’t help but smile.
See also: The Pain of Loss – Monique
Photos: Personal Collection
