Unlike in our grandparents’ time, marriage has become increasingly rare, and for those who choose to formalize their union, very few couples manage to maintain it! The problem in this situation is the children, who end up suffering from the family breakup and, in the vast majority of cases, are caught in the middle of the “war.” But after all, is there a right way to handle children of divorced parents? What is the best method to avoid confusing them and prevent them from suffering through the whole situation?
In addition to marriages that end and children are left in the crossfire when their parents can’t interact with even minimal respect, there are also the children whose parents never married at all. They may be the result of short-lived relationships or even long-term courtships that never made it to the official stage. In all of these cases, children must learn to live with a divided family, having two homes, different routines, and different habits — and perhaps the biggest source of arguments between separated parents: different approaches to parenting. Contrary to what many people think, separation causes trauma and psychological problems even before the separation itself happens. The arguments leading up to the final split, daily disagreements, misunderstanding between the couple, and even the tense atmosphere at home all affect the children’s behavior. That’s why when a marriage isn’t going well, all possible care should be taken! Try to avoid arguing in front of the children or ‘airing dirty laundry’ in front of those who can’t help; on the contrary, they may be left permanently scarred by those insults and situations.
Couples need to learn to restrain themselves and keep their issues separate, especially when children are involved. It’s important to remember that the marriage might be over, but the bond with your children is not. This is another point where children of divorced parents often suffer, since few couples know how to handle the separation, child custody, and their ongoing relationship with the children well. There’s also the problem of parental alienation, which further complicates family relationships and completely confuses the children, destroying the precious bond between parents and children.
How to Deal with Children of Divorced Parents?
Of course it’s not easy to pretend you don’t feel sadness or resentment, especially when the end of the marriage was traumatic and painful for both parties, but it’s essential to be careful in dealing with the children since they have nothing to do with their parents’ situation. The marriage may be over, but the parent–child bond will never end, and it’s up to both parents to nurture this bond and keep it strong even if they’re living in separate homes.
Despite all the differences and resentments surrounding a relationship that has ended, the upbringing of children of divorced parents must be handled with care by both parents. Respect and concern for the children must come before anything else and override any personal feelings. That way, it’s possible to ensure that the children continue to be educated, loved, respected, and receive the same upbringing they had before the separation. What separating couples need to understand and focus on is that the children should not become objects of competition or emotional disputes. Let go of your opinions about your ex-partner — after all, what you think and know about them doesn’t concern the children. In fact, badmouthing the father or mother is known as parental alienation. Your poor relationship with your ex should not interfere with your children’s emotional bond or the upbringing you give them. If dialogue is impossible and civil discussion about the children is out of the question, the only solution is to rely on legal proceedings.
Having everything settled legally — responsibilities, obligations, visitation, and custody — will help avoid arguments, provided that all agreements made in front of a judge are honored. Avoid “buying” your children during this period as well, to prevent them from being spoiled! This is quite common among children of divorced parents, since a lack of parental agreement often means children get everything in double. That can mean two birthday parties, two birthday gifts, two Christmas gifts, two Children’s Day presents, and life in excess, as parents compete over who gives more. Parents, observe your children and their behavior not just at home, but also at school and how they interact with their friends. Things they might have seen or heard, arguments, or even comments about the separation can deeply hurt them and impact their behavior. In most cases, help from a psychologist is recommended to support everyone through this difficult period — not only the parents but also the children, who will have their lives thoroughly changed. The first year after the separation is always the hardest, because until everyone adapts to new routines, a lot of differences will be felt.
Children during this period may show changes in behavior, becoming more aggressive, argumentative, or even more sensitive, crying at the slightest cause. School-aged children of separated parents may even develop learning difficulties and behavioral problems at school. So, every sign needs to be taken seriously; when the quarrel and the end of the marriage happen, don’t let your egos blind you to how much your children are suffering and in need of your help — and possibly a psychologist’s as well. A divorce involving children is unfortunately never just the separation of two people!
See Also: Story of a Single Father – Fred
Photos: Paturo, Preference for Life
