We’ve already talked about life as a single mother and even about what it’s like to be a single father, as well as the situation of being a child of separated parents. But what about when there is an agreement on raising the children and shared custody is the parents’ choice for raising them, how does it work? Is it really the best choice for the children?
Child Custody During Divorce
In the past, during a divorce, besides all the division of assets, child custody was also a topic for discussion. In 90% of cases, custody was given to mothers, and shared custody wasn’t even considered, with the father’s visitation period being determined, which could happen on weekends or every other week.
However, all the responsibility for education and care for the children was left solely to the woman, overburdening her and even causing disputes between parents about the educational choices made, whether right or wrong.
Shared custody, which used to be applied only in isolated cases by the judge, became a common practice and offered parents going through a divorce the chance to continue a direct relationship with their children, so that the child would not lose the presence of either parent even after separation. A point that causes a lot of doubt among people about this topic is the idea that the child has two homes, two bedrooms, two different routines, when in fact, that is not the focus of shared custody.
What is Shared Custody?
Even with shared custody, the child can continue living in a single house and have their care divided between both parents. The idea is not to give them two lives or split their life in two. Of course, every case is unique! But the idea of transferring the child back and forth and living somewhere different every week is not seen as healthy.
The idea of shared custody is really about splitting responsibilities and caring for the child on a day-to-day basis, giving the father more flexibility to spend time with his children, when before there would be fixed dates and times.
Alternating Living Arrangements
When shared custody involves splitting the child’s life so that they spend a period at the mother’s house and another period at the father’s house, it is called alternating living arrangements. This is one possibility within shared custody, but it’s generally not recommended as the child may lose their references, not having a fixed home.
As for child support, one of the main concerns for mothers, nothing changes with shared custody. Even if the father is present daily, the amount paid as child support is meant for the child’s expenses and care, and if there are additional expenses, the parents need to discuss and agree on who pays what.
Do the Parents Decide on Shared Custody?
It’s also important to point out that the acceptance of shared custody does not depend on the parents’ agreement or even on a good relationship between them; currently, it’s a recommendation or requirement by the judge so that the children maintain contact with both parents, protecting the relationship with both.
When it comes to the children’s education, their eating habits, and everything involving their lives, parents must discuss and come to an agreement to avoid future problems. Common sense and the desire to see their children happy are essential for a couple sharing custody to live peacefully.
Problems with Shared Custody
When it comes to children’s upbringing in shared custody, of course there will be problems. But it is much easier if the parents communicate and try to find an amicable solution, without emotional strain for either party. It’s very common to see mothers complaining that they don’t like the food offered by the father when the children are with him, or that they disapprove of the father’s lifestyle or his home environment.
Places Visited with the Children and Third Parties
Another complaint about shared custody involves the places the children go when they’re with one parent, or even if they’re cared for by a third person, which could be a new girlfriend or even uncles or grandparents. The best way is to share what you don’t like and clearly state what is bothering you, and try to reach a good solution for both, since the children’s upbringing should be by mutual agreement.
Parental Alienation
But it’s not always possible to have this kind of dialogue and understanding to resolve the situation, which can result in frustration on one side and even in unconsciously speaking badly about the other parent or the situation, leading to parental alienation. That’s why, if dialogue is no longer possible, the best solution is to seek legal assistance and have the situation presented to a judge, so it can be analyzed in the best possible way, always with the child’s best interest in mind.
The focus of shared custody is to allow the child’s life to go on without being affected by the separation of the parents. Therefore, disagreements between ex-couples should not be shared with the children and they should never be involved in unnecessary outbursts. Good parents care about their children and strive to provide them with a life of peace, love, and much affection, even if that has to happen in two different homes.
See Also: Children of Separated Parents – How to Deal with This Situation?
Photos: Renato Lombardero, Oscar Chávez!
_ Caixa de Informações Chave:
- In 90% of cases, custody was given to mothers, with the father’s visitation period being determined, which could happen on weekends or every other week.
- Shared custody, which used to be applied only in isolated cases by the judge, became a common procedure and offered parents undergoing divorce the opportunity to continue their parent-child relationship.
- The idea of shared custody is really about splitting responsibilities and caring for the child on a daily basis, giving the father greater flexibility to spend time with his children.
- When shared custody involves splitting the child’s life, with a period at the mother’s house and a period at the father’s, it is called alternating living arrangements.
- It’s important to note that the acceptance of shared custody does not depend on the parents’ agreement or on a good relationship; currently, it is a recommendation or requirement by the judge.
