Having a baby is a natural progression for most marriages. When a couple decides to start a family, the nature of their relationship is compelled to change, and with that, something rather unexpected from a mother’s perspective can occur: the father’s jealousy of the baby. It’s no secret that new babies bring with them a mix of emotions for parents. Along with love, joy, and imagination, these parents will feel the responsibility of bringing a new life into the world.
Emotions and Feelings in the Moment
They will certainly experience fear, anxiety, and panic, not to mention complete exhaustion. But what about jealousy? While it may seem crazy to feel jealous of a baby, there’s no way to ignore this feeling in the emotional whirlwind of parenthood, which is why it’s important to pay attention to avoid falling into this trap. Believe it or not, it’s quite common for a new mother to suspect that her husband is jealous of the baby. Sometimes, the spouse feels neglected when the little one arrives, which often leads to feeling guilty about being envious of such a tiny and defenseless creature. Over time, these feelings cause stress and tension between couples, paving the way for bigger relationship problems. Even though many parents don’t anticipate this obstacle, it’s important to understand why this damaging feeling comes on without warning, and know how to prevent future conflicts.
Important: Working on a solid partnership between the couple not only strengthens the bond between them, but also helps them evolve as parents throughout the journey.
Why Does Jealousy Happen?
When the mother is discharged and goes home with her baby, the time she used to have for her husband is now fully occupied by the new routine of a newborn. The first weeks with a new baby can be incredibly demanding: the challenges of breastfeeding, lack of sleep, colic, changing diapers will make the nights that were once reserved for special plans disappear. Time with the partner decreases dramatically, and this is undoubtedly an especially tough phase for first-time fathers, who may have been used to having free evenings and weekends for couple activities. A newborn takes up all the mother’s attention, which means that even when the couple is spending some time together, the mother will be focused on the baby rather than her husband. No matter how many baby books they have read, inevitably their world will be turned upside down. This can affect a couple’s relationship in unexpected ways, including with father’s jealousy of the baby. New parents need to keep in mind that, during the first six months of a baby’s life, virtually all of the woman’s (and his too) energy will need to be focused on caring for the newborn. There may not be much physical, psychological, or emotional energy left at the end of the day for romance or for nurturing the marriage.
Paternal Postpartum Depression
Some men may also experience postpartum depression or male baby blues, as it’s also called. This kind of depression is usually milder. In most cases, it appears in men with a tendency toward depression, although several other factors may be involved, directly or not. One main factor is the feeling of exclusion in relation to the mother and baby, who, in these early periods after childbirth, tend to be the center of attention. A recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that up to 10 percent of new fathers experience the baby blues. This situation can lead to discussions that do not reach a consensus, in which neither feels that any change has taken place. Over time, this lack of unity can generate feelings of jealousy and insecurity between couples, especially when combined with the sleep deprivation that inevitably comes with a baby.
How to Handle Father’s Jealousy of the Baby?
Fortunately, taming the jealousy monster is relatively possible. The most effective way is to guard against jealousy in all its forms and work to overcome it before and after the baby arrives. Before the baby: Weigh the pros and cons – When considering having a baby, honestly assess how your relationship is going. Be realistic and consider how a child will change your goals. For example, if the couple has always wanted to go on an adventure abroad, it’s important to think about how difficult that would be with a baby. If you realize you need more time to achieve some “couple” dreams, then delaying pregnancy may be the best alternative. Do the math – Babies are expensive. Are you financially prepared? Often, jealousy and resentment happen because the husband works long hours and doesn’t have time for the baby or for family. Saying you’ll only have a child when you have plenty of money might not be a smart option, since saving money is hard. Who knows, maybe consider solutions like daycare, working part-time, or even setting up a home office. While pregnant: Keep the dialogue going – The couple needs to keep communication open and, as much as possible, the father should seek to be included in everything regarding the pregnancy: name selection, choosing the doctor, prenatal appointments, ultrasounds, shopping for baby supplies, and especially the moment of birth. It’s very worthwhile for the woman to invite her partner to be part of every situation and not let herself be intimidated by any regression that might appear in the man’s behavior. Adjust expectations – Prepare your husband for what’s ahead. Show him that while you’re busy taking care of the baby, you won’t have as much time to give him attention as before. Both will be less available when the baby arrives. Try to anticipate things that might lead to jealousy. For example, it’s normal for women to feel insecure about their body during pregnancy, which often leads to avoiding more intimate relations with their husband. Making him understand your fears and insecurities can help prevent future arguments. The man can also help her feel more beautiful with small gestures, like giving flowers, massages, or a simple affirmation each day. After the baby: Stick with the plan – With a newborn at home, it’s tempting to forget about everything else and spend every second admiring them. However, “couple time” is essential for sanity and the relationship. Keeping up with the routine established before the baby arrived is fundamental, no matter how hard it is. Call for reinforcements if you feel overwhelmed. Leaving the baby is undoubtedly not an easy task, but it’s a great idea to let your sister watch the baby while the couple spends time together. Encourage involvement – The best way to reduce father’s jealousy of the baby is to build a consistent relationship between father and child. He may not be able to breastfeed, but there are many other ways he can interact and connect with the baby, including playtime, changing diapers, bath time, and bedtime stories, to ensure he realizes that he is just as important as the mother. Especially if the mother is at home during the day and the father is working, use the evenings to take care of the baby together and share nighttime duties as much as possible. After six months or more, life generally becomes easier, since babies begin sleeping through the night and get into a more predictable routine. Date night. Plan to spend some time together. One day a week works well, since both will likely have a different schedule. If the grandparents agree to watch the child on Thursdays for example, you’ll have a night dedicated to “couple time”. This can be anything: dinner at a nice restaurant, a movie, a glass of good wine, the important thing is to have that day set aside to spend together. Every father needs support, encouragement, information, confidence, and tools to help him be as involved as possible with his new family. Preparing for a new baby brings expectations and excitement. Because of this, it’s easy for the woman to forget to encourage and prepare the other essential part of this plan: her spouse. Don’t let a bit of jealousy become an obstacle to a harmonious relationship. And never think this is just your partner’s drama. Father’s jealousy of the baby is more common than you think, and the good news is that it’s temporary. So pay attention to this advice, and soon you’ll be enjoying your little one, and each other, as a family. Also see: Preference for One Child – Does It Really Exist? Photos: Canon EOS 5d Mark II
