Jealousy is not an uncommon feeling for humans. However, for mothers who have just become pregnant or given birth, it can become a source of suffering, both for them and for those around them who want to dote on the new baby. The mother is a beloved person to everyone, and it’s no different with her baby.
Countless changes take place at this stage. An immense feeling of love arises—a love beyond explanation, which takes many women by surprise, as they never imagined such an intense, powerful love could exist in life.
Because of this, instead of pregnancy or the birth of a baby being a time for celebration, it can bring negative feelings for the mother, making her feel bad for having thoughts she herself considers selfish. But what could lead a mother to feel so jealous of her baby regarding other family members, or even the baby’s father or grandmothers?
When Does the Feeling of Jealousy Appear?
When a woman is already prone to jealousy before becoming pregnant, it’s common for the feeling to surface even before the baby is born. But jealousy can also arise even if the mother wasn’t previously jealous. It can show up during pregnancy, though it’s most common to appear after childbirth.1 Many women catch themselves thinking:
“So-and-so isn’t going to touch my baby”
“I’m not going to let so-and-so hold my child”
“My mother-in-law can’t be all over my child, I don’t want anyone giving advice about my baby”
It’s not uncommon for the mother to turn down help from family members like the mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, friends, or even her own mother after the baby is born. In extreme cases, she may even shut out the baby’s father, her partner.
Why Does Jealousy Over the Baby Appear?
This happens because, at that moment, the mother feels a certain sense of loss. Loss? Yes! Jealousy happens because, before—during pregnancy—her baby was 100% dependent on her for everything. The child was kept safe in her womb, receiving everything needed exclusively from her.
Right after birth, she’s still essential, of course, but no longer indispensable. Before, the baby was only hers. Now, she has to share with others, like friends and family. No matter how dear these people are, the mother feels she is losing something.
Everyone wants to hold the baby, give baths, change diapers and clothes, and gather around almost constantly. Who was once a single person now becomes two people, and having to share, for some, is not so easy to handle.
In a way, the baby becomes an object of the mother’s possessiveness, even though, most of the time, this feeling is involuntary. Now, she doesn’t want anyone near her baby, and can become hostile in certain situations, wanting to continue caring for her baby 100% of the time, even while still recovering from childbirth.
It’s not easy to see your greatest love—the one you never imagined feeling—in the arms of others. Mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, friends, and so on. While everyone is happy, some women feel invaded, even robbed, at what should be the happiest moment of their lives.
How to Deal With Jealousy Over the Baby
The person who suffers most from maternal jealousy after childbirth is the mother herself. The newborn baby quickly becomes the focus of the affection of all the family members who surrounded the woman who is now a mother. Detachment should be addressed as soon as possessive feelings start to emerge—even during pregnancy or after giving birth.
Usually, if a mother shares that she feels strange with her obstetrician, the doctor will recommend speaking with a psychologist while still in the maternity ward, because this feeling should be addressed the moment it appears. Family members should try to understand the feeling of possession. However, the woman must also understand that the baby is now part of a social environment, and this is fundamental2.
At the same time, family members need to respect how the woman feels. If she sets some boundaries, everyone must respect them. Including her husband. For example, breastfeeding should be a time that is respected. That’s when mother and child get to know, understand, and look at each other. Yet it’s important for the woman to allow others to help her care for the baby, as it’s a healthy exercise for working through excessive jealousy.
Remember, jealousy over your child will always exist. All your life, you’ll have to deal with the feeling of loss, whether it’s to the grandmother, aunts, friends, school, or teachers. Until the time when your child becomes a young man or woman and starts having romantic relationships. What’s important is knowing how to deal with jealousy as soon as it appears. No matter which stage—during pregnancy or after childbirth—don’t be ashamed to ask for help.
But What If You’re Jealous of the Baby’s Father?
It is very common for fathers to feel jealous of the baby’s relationship with the mother3. That’s because now, she gives almost all her attention to her newborn, and the husband is often pushed to the background. This sense of being displaced is more common with the first child, as the father feels left out from a spot that was once only his.
The wife, who used to belong only to him, suddenly has to share attention with a little boy or girl who just arrived. This feeling is normal. However, as with mothers, the father needs to work on this feeling, because it can disrupt his relationship with his new child.
Remember, a man only truly becomes a father when the baby is born; only after childbirth can he feel what a woman experiences during pregnancy. As always, seeing a psychologist can and should be considered.
See also: The Importance of the Father’s Involvement After Birth
Photo: Nikon D3200
