Parental alienation happens a lot in cases of separated parents, did you know that? The simple act of saying something negative about the father or mother to the child can have more than just a negative impact on the way the child views that parent.
Sometimes parental alienation can also become much worse than we think. The child being alienated may become violent, sad, and aggressive for no apparent reason. So how can you recognize a case of parental alienation and how should you deal with this situation?
What is parental alienation? It is the act of speaking badly about or warping the image of the father or mother for the child in question, and it usually happens in separated couples. It can also create fear in the child towards the parent. Whether it is from father to mother or mother to father, the issue runs much deeper than people think because it can damage the child’s view of what used to be their hero.
The father or mother may try to distance the child from the other parent, prevent visitation, and when visits do happen, burden the child with advice and cautions about how to behave, which can also be a form of manipulation. In this way, the child may feel censored from being themself and loving the other parent, thinking they are betraying the parent they live with.
Parental alienation can also come from taking away or denying the right of the father or mother to participate in the child’s day-to-day decisions, such as choosing a school, school meetings, birthday parties, festive weekends, and so on. Showing disapproval of the child being with the other parent is also a form of parental alienation. Sometimes it is confused with jealousy, but if the child notices and identifies this difficulty in the parent, they may internalize the parent’s feelings and blame themselves for causing sadness in the person they love and look up to. These are situations that should be avoided at all costs.
- Traveling with or without the child without informing the father or mother
- Criticizing the other’s professional life
- Situations like “her or me” or vice versa
- Slandering the personal image of the father or mother
Sometimes the hurt from the relationship ending can also bring about a more aggressive form of parental alienation, causing the parent to vent all the leftover pain from the relationship on the child, forcing the child to choose between living with the parent who stayed or the one who left. This can make the relationship even more exhausting. Another big mistake parents make is turning their child into a kind of spy in the “enemy camp”: How many girlfriends? Who are they with? What did they buy? What are they doing? All of this can be asked and overheard by the child, just to satisfy the curiosity about the ex’s life.
Parental alienation can even leave such deep scars in a child that some may no longer want to be around the father or mother at all, even refusing court-ordered visits, thus losing contact completely. In some alienated children, the effects of their parents’ behavior in the wake of separation last into adulthood.
These are behaviors that may occur in a moment of sadness and hardship in life but mark the rest of the children’s lives after a relationship ends. Children absorb everything their parents teach like a sponge—and if they are taught only to see their parents’ flaws or are made to hate one of them, would the outcome be any different?
Parental alienation can even happen without a separation, which is why it is so important to monitor certain comments in front of your children. Sometimes it’s happening in our own home without us realizing it! Pushing a child away from the father or mother even inside the same home can be even worse than after separation.
How to Avoid Parental Alienation?
Even when hurt is overwhelming the relationship, remember that more than just two people are involved—a child must be considered carefully at the time of separation to avoid deep scars. Of course, children of separated parents do suffer, and that can’t be denied, but knowing how to handle the whole situation of separation is fundamental to keep parental alienation out of the home.
Understand your child! They will certainly miss their father or mother. When they ask for them, make a direct connection—call, or even arrange a visit. Don’t let the sadness of the end of a relationship or bad coexistence with your partner affect how the child sees their parents.
Living together with the father or mother is fundamental for the child and is protected by law. In fact, the law on parental alienation is quite old, in effect since 1985, when the discussion about separation and the right to family life between parents and children already existed.
The parental alienation law, art. 236 of Law no. 8,069, of July 13, 1990, ensures the right of both parents and relatives to be involved in the child’s life, extending to grandparents and uncles/aunts, to provide the necessary family foundation for any individual. Now, with this law, judges have more power to prevent parental alienation from burdening the child with overwhelming emotional distress.
If you find that the father or mother is practicing parental alienation, the other side should act against it, trying to handle the problem as best as possible, and, if necessary, taking the child to a psychologist to check for any permanent damage. Fulfilling all obligations is also key to prevent hostility from the child’s guardian.
If it comes to a legal dispute over the children, never, ever discuss the process with the minors involved, as this can give a great sense of vulnerability and guilt over their parents’ fight. In a child’s subconscious, this is like poison in adult life.
Children who experience parental alienation in childhood tend to have psychological problems in adulthood or adolescence, becoming rebellious, intolerant adults and sometimes even having suicidal tendencies. So before you say anything negative or even make a criticism, think and reflect on whether venting your hurt about the other parent is really worth it.
See also: How is Adoption in Brazil? Bruna and João Vitor
Photo: Denzil
