Many couples start making plans to expand their family even before marriage, but others… Sometimes it’s because the husband thinks it’s too early, due to a lack of financial or emotional stability, or even because the woman resists getting pregnant—sometimes for the same reasons as the man, with the addition of concerns about aesthetic beauty and the changes pregnancy can bring to a body that was achieved with so much effort through diets and working out.
The truth is that a child or children bring enormous responsibilities even before they are born, and not everyone is ready to take them on—at least not at that moment1. But what if your biggest dream is to have a baby and your partner doesn’t want to—either right now or at all? It’s much more common for women to want this moment to come in the couple’s life, but there are also many men who are the first to want to grow the family.
What happens is that when the biological clock rings for either party, it’s undeniable. The desire comes on strong and there’s not much you can do about it; the thought of having a baby soon doesn’t just leave your mind easily. The problem is when the couple doesn’t share the same thoughts about it—arguments, disagreements can happen and create discomfort in the relationship. The couple’s timing regarding children may not be so synchronous, and pressure for a pregnancy can even cause problems, as some couples may have their sex life affected by fear on the side that is against pregnancy—and this is a serious sign that the pressure is stronger than you might think. Let’s face it: pressuring someone to make pregnancy happen can actually make the situation worse.
So what should you do?
Talk… that’s the key word for this situation. The couple needs to negotiate, and the person (man or woman) who really wants to grow the family should share their feelings. Explain why the desire to have a baby right now is so strong, and the pros that come with becoming parents. It’s true, having a child brings lots of responsibilities, but the love and happiness that come with them are undeniable. Of course, the responsibility and cost should be given a lot of consideration—after all, a child isn’t a toy and requires a minimum level of structure from the couple. If the couple owns their home and can provide for the future child, why not? But the decision needs to be made together to avoid discomfort when the positive pregnancy test comes. Turning such a beautiful moment into fear of your partner’s reaction is not the best way to start such a special new stage of life.
Being ready for the arrival of one or more children will make the experience of motherhood or fatherhood the best it can be for the couple; the sense of partnership in this moment is unmatched by any other life stage, and living it fully and without fear or doubt between the couple is extremely important.
But What If Pregnancy Happens by Surprise?
This happened to me, and let me tell you—it was a huge shock! Suddenly, at 20 years old, an unexpected and “unwanted” pregnancy. After all, I was still very young, single and unprepared. I was still studying and depended on my parents, and I was nervous about telling everyone around me—especially the person most involved, my boyfriend at the time, now my husband.
It wasn’t a total surprise, but the news of the pregnancy still made a huge impact on both sides of the family. I gathered up the courage to talk about the pregnancy, and I was completely surprised: even though my parents were strict, they accepted the news easily. Fear is the worst advisor of all, and giving in to it, I tried to hide it for a few days.
Trust—that’s what I suggest you have in your partner and, if needed, in your parents. Sometimes we imagine things to be far worse than they actually are. Of course, only you know your circumstances, and while it might seem like a bad time, the baby has nothing to do with that! Try to handle the pregnancy in the best way possible and, if necessary, seek guidance from a friend or even a psychologist to help you get through this unexpected moment2.
When you are prepared for a pregnancy, everything becomes easier. So talking and weighing the pros and cons is essential for any couple who is thinking about having children—whether now or according to a timeframe agreed by both. Having children is a consequence of the love between the couple, and at some point, that love will overflow and create a new life!
See also: Trying to Conceive – The Pain of Waiting
Photo: Jaybird, Gonzalo Merat
