My Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Children

This is a very delicate subject and it is responsible for a lot of sadness and disappointment within a relationship. In some cases, it can even be the reason for the end of a marriage that had everything to work out, and it all begins with the phrase “my husband doesn’t want to have children.”

The decision to have children is already very complicated even when both want them, since there is never truly the certainty that they are definitely prepared, mature, and stable enough to take on this responsibility. Now imagine a couple where the husband doesn’t want children and that’s the wife’s dream. This is a drama experienced by many women, and such cases have grown steadily due to the current lifestyle. So much hustle, obligations, long working hours, and an exhausting life. When they do have a break, they want to relax by traveling, going out at night, and doing things that, with a small child, would no longer be possible.

But how to deal with a woman’s maternal instinct that is screaming and with the desire and dream to become a mother so apparent? How to solve the situation with a husband who doesn’t want to have children and has different plans from his wife? Normally, when couples are getting to know each other during the dating phase, they talk about topics such as marriage and children. Some already show at the beginning their lack of desire to have kids and want to enjoy life as a couple. In these cases, some men change their minds over time, they mature and realize that life could be better and more complete by starting a family, but for others, not even time will change their minds.

For a woman who decides to marry a man who has always been clear that he doesn’t want to have children, this is a risk she will have to take. Either the woman gives up the dream of being a mother and joins in her husband’s dream of enjoying life together, or she tries to convince him of her dream and how good it would be to have children. Many women, choosing to “get married and convince him over time,” spend years and years frustrated and unhappy because their husbands never reconsider the decision that was already made and communicated before marriage. And then they start thinking of countless ways and methods to try to change the situation, like “if I get pregnant, won’t he accept?” or “how will he react when he finds out I’m already pregnant?”

Is it worth risking destroying a relationship based on a lie just to fulfill your dream? Think about every detail and risk you will run before making your decision. Many women, after deciding to get pregnant even when their husband didn’t want children, ended up straining their marriages, leading to fights and disagreements because of the partner’s unwillingness to start a family, which ended up in separation and a broken family.

When the husband doesn’t want to have children, there may be a reason—maybe a trauma—that, over time or with the help of a specialist, therapist, or psychologist, may help him to work through and see fatherhood differently¹, with new eyes. But when the decision is part of someone’s plans and dreams, it’s more complicated to reverse, and ideally, the couple should talk a lot before deepening the relationship and taking such a serious step as marriage. Dreams should be discussed, plans talked through, and if the couple has different goals, it might be wise to reconsider if the relationship will work out.

To build a solid family, the desire has to come from both sides, willingness to make it work must be mutual, and the dream of having a family should be in agreement, with no pressure, no lies, and planning a future together for everyone.

See also: Family Pressure To Have Children

Photo: Pedro Ribeiro Simões, Garry Wilmore, Guian Bolisay