My Baby Only Wants to Be Held – What Should I Do?

Motherhood is a dream for the vast majority of women, but it’s not always a bed of roses. Sometimes, moms get tired and need a moment just for themselves, which can be quite difficult when the baby wants to be held all the time.

Usually, when the first child is born, a woman is dazzled by that little being she dreamed of for so long. After all, how wonderful it is to hold them in your arms and watch them sleep, snuggled up in your warmth, isn’t it? And thinking that these moments pass quickly, many women end up spending almost 24 hours a day with their baby in their arms.

However, life has to go on and this lovely and cherished habit in the early months starts to become exhausting. Sometimes, the baby can’t even stay in the crib long enough for mom to take a shower. When it’s time to sleep, it becomes a real choreography of rocking here and there. Washing dishes, hanging laundry or doing any housework becomes torture, as the baby won’t even accept being in the stroller.

Hold or Not Hold?

This is a topic that divides opinions¹, as many mothers support the full-time holding approach, even though it is demanding and exhausting. First-time moms struggle even more because it’s hard to identify the reason for the baby’s crying, the baby’s main way of communicating. Faced with so many tears for seemingly no reason, it often seems easier just to keep the baby in your arms.

Babies learn everything very quickly, especially by repeating behaviors². So, if the baby cries and someone picks them up, they’ll do it again the next time they want to be held. And of course, being in mom’s or dad’s arms is the best place in the world, far cozier and more comfortable than the crib, stroller, or car seat. So it’s going to be hard for them to want to stay anywhere else.

Mom’s Responsibilities

Changing this habit is extremely important for family harmony, since the baby is not the only family member and certainly not the center of the world. Unfortunately, mom can’t be available 100% of the time—after all, there are other things to take care of. A woman’s routine goes far beyond just rocking and caring for the baby.

There are ways to change this habit, even though it may be difficult at first. Parents need to be persistent and remember that this will help the baby develop better and keep the family at peace.

What to Do to Break the Habit of Being Held

Try to place the baby in spots where they can see you, talk to them and interact using toys and other engaging things. The idea is to show the baby they are safe and close to mom even if they aren’t being held. Helping your child, through habit, to see that the crib is a cozy and pleasant place to sleep after a warm bath or a full tummy is a good idea. Every change of habit takes time and persistence, but for the family’s sake it’s worth the effort. Oh, and needless to say, it’s the father’s job to help with this too, right?

The Baby Only Wants to Sleep While Being Held! What Now?

It’s the same problem—it’s just another habit being repeated! Because of routine, babies learn from newborn that sleep time starts in someone’s arms. So, ideally, you should start early getting your baby used to falling asleep alone after feeding. Always check to make sure everything is okay!

I know it’s wonderful to watch them drift off in the comfort of your arms. The problem is the baby ends up becoming dependent and will have trouble falling asleep on their own after waking up, even in the middle of the night. To raise a more confident and independent child, it’s important to find balance in your actions. Plus, this way, parenthood won’t be as exhausting and draining for mom and dad.

Is There a Solution Once the Habit Is Set?

But if your child has already gotten used to falling asleep in your arms and now you’re struggling, how do you change it? Don’t worry, there is a solution. Creating a bedtime routine, for example, is one.

Create a Sleep Routine

You can create your own sleep ritual like giving a nice bath, telling a bedtime story, or lots of cuddles before putting your child in the crib, for example. Usually, once this becomes routine, babies get used to it and relax because they know what comes next, making it much easier for them to fall asleep. For those already used to being rocked by their parents, there may be more resistance, and a lot more crying, but persistence and love will help them understand the new routine.

If the baby cries, you can stroke and calm them without taking them out of the crib. That way, you show that the crib is a safe place and that you are right there, watching over everything.

There are cases where this “training” can end up being more stressful than just standing and rocking the baby to sleep. In this situation, it’s important to consider the reasons for their crying or trouble sleeping, as sometimes the issue is in the parents’ own behavior.

Set Times and Rules

Overtired children become restless and are usually harder to settle at bedtime, so try to put them to sleep at suitable times. Another important tip is not to rush to the crib every time your baby fusses, as babies need to learn to calm themselves³.

Raising children is a constant learning process and, unfortunately, there’s no manual. We learn along the way and it’s normal to make mistakes while trying to get it right. The important thing is to do everything with lots of love, affection, and teamwork between parents.

See also: Should You Put Your Newborn to Sleep in the Parents’ Room?

Photos: John Arnold, nmoira