After the shock of a positive pregnancy test, came days of joy, of making plans for the future with a new family member. The happiness was shared with friends and relatives. It was my second pregnancy, four years after my daughter was born. Six days after finding out, I had some bleeding and inevitably, I panicked and went to the emergency room. There, I did a blood test for beta HCG levels and an ultrasound, where the doctor said he couldn’t see anything inside the uterus, but saw something that looked like a gestational sac outside the uterus, meaning I had an ectopic pregnancy1 or was expelling the embryo.

After receiving medication, I went to the office to see the ER doctor. I expected to hear all kinds of things from this doctor. While taking the medication, I imagined several possible things he might say. To my surprise, he told me the only phrase I never imagined hearing: “Your beta HCG came back negative, which means you’re not pregnant and never were. This bleeding is not a miscarriage, but a delayed period. Your previous positive test must have been wrong. As for the doctor who performed the ultrasound, he probably made up that gestational sac—since you came in with suspected miscarriage, he needed to give you an answer. Thank you, take care!”

So, wait a minute… Did I celebrate a life, make plans, cry my eyes out over the loss of a baby that never existed? Am I, my OB-GYN, and the ultrasound doctor, all crazy or what? The moment I heard that, I didn’t have the strength to argue because he was so cold, so insensitive, so cruel… He saw me crying the pain of losing a child and simply told me that my child never existed. I was even embarrassed, thinking maybe he was right, but something seemed off.

I was certain that I was pregnant. I saw my positive test result and I know my body better than anyone. I’ve had my period many times and I knew that was not just a late period. It was different—the color, the amount, the look… Everything was different. I knew those tears were not for the loss of someone who never existed. They weren’t. I know he existed, I felt his existence physically and spiritually. But how could I prove to myself that I wasn’t crazy, that my opinion was valid and the doctor’s—a “professional’s”—wasn’t?

I got home and couldn’t accept what had happened. I wasn’t crazy, my pregnancy was real. I started researching the topic. Looking for stories and testimonials like mine. And I found it: chemical pregnancy! That is the name given to an early miscarriage. When fertilization occurs, but the embryo does not develop, causing HCG levels to drop to zero. Bleeding happens, which definitely is not the same as a period. In my case, the blood was a brighter, lighter red. There were small clots and the flow was heavier than usual.

After three long days, during an appointment with my OB-GYN, she confirmed the chemical pregnancy2, based on the features and details I described to her. I was devastated by all of this… By the loss, by the moral violence I suffered from the doctor, by all the doubts that came up (including about my own sanity). Anyway, today I am mourning. Yes, I am grieving, even though many people try to comfort me, saying other babies will soon come. I am grieving for this one who is gone now and will not come back, even if there is one more, or two, or many. The one whom the doctors called an embryo, gestational sac, or even denied his existence, to me, he was my child. I already had possible names, already had love, and a special place in my heart where he will always be.

See also: Is It Possible to Get Pregnant Without Menstruating? Photo: Personal Collection