When babies are very young, they still have no awareness of the existence of things around them. But just like anyone else, babies also go through different phases. Around six months old, they start to notice not only the things around them but also recognize the people they interact with. The mother-child bond becomes even stronger for the child at this stage, as they feel more connected to their mother. Even a moment away from her doesn’t make sense to the baby, who feels as if they’ll never see her again, which is why they cry intensely when separated. At the same time that they start to notice everything around them, babies also become more independent, wanting to do things their own way. They begin to discover the world and want to explore it. This stage of perception is called Separation Anxiety. It is a phase that requires a bit more patience, as it can be difficult for both the baby and the parents1.
Symptoms of Separation Anxiety
During this phase, which begins around 6 months, the baby who used to go to anyone’s arms, especially those they know best, now wants nothing to do with anyone except their father or mother—usually the mother. The baby becomes aware of the people and things around them and realizes that they and their mother are not the same person. This understanding causes them anguish, because even though they’re realizing the existence of things and people, they don’t fully understand it yet. Not understanding things, people, or even how to distinguish them, even when they’re in their field of vision, confuses the baby. The absence of the mother causes distress and makes the baby cry constantly, stopping only when they see her again. The mother’s return instantly soothes the baby. The mother is the baby’s comfort and safe haven, with a bond that starts at birth and continues to grow stronger. As little ones develop, their perception increases, and soon they notice when they are separated from their mothers. This is a stage that usually starts around 4 months and intensifies from 6 months onward. As the mother moves away, the dominant feeling is anxiety as they notice she is no longer close by. Once babies gain this awareness, they start to cry and quickly discover that crying will get their mother’s immediate attention. That’s how they start to understand that every action always has a reaction, and that if they react to things that upset them, crying will solve their problem2.
IMPORTANT: If the baby is crying a lot and for no apparent reason, it’s a good idea to talk to the pediatrician. Sometimes there might be something else going on that requires a more thorough investigation.
During this phase, it’s important for the mother to show the baby that she might leave but will return soon. Sneaking out doesn’t make the process easier as some might think. She needs to help the baby realize that she will always be around, even if she has to leave the room, go to the bathroom, or handle other tasks including chores. The baby will cry—it’s not the end of the world, and remember that this is just one more stage of change in their life. There’s no need to let the baby cry for hours; just help them realize that not everything will go as they want and, therefore, it’s necessary to learn to cope when something is beyond their control. The baby will become more independent and their identity will start to develop. That’s what changes do—they shape people according to the intensity of each change.
Separation Process
The baby will go through stages, and separation anxiety also goes through variations, from less to more intense.
From 1 to 6 months
During the first few months, as mentioned above, the baby has no sense of perception of things or people. They will start to become aware of things around four months, when they also become more independent. The baby will notice when the mother or others they are attached to are not there, cry thinking they won’t see them again, and also notice that sometimes crying solves their distress, since someone will promptly show up to comfort them.
From 7 months to 1 year
At 7 months, the baby’s perception is even sharper and, with that, their independence increases, because they are now aware of their own existence. At this stage, Separation Anxiety becomes even more intense, because while the baby is more independent, they are also more dependent. They’re independent because they want to explore the world, and dependent because they’re aware of the people and things around them and know they exist.
From 1 to 2 years
By now, babies can recognize, for example, that their reflection in the mirror is themselves. At this age, they will still cry, sometimes until about age 2. It will be less intense than in the early months, but they might still throw a tantrum or cry when you leave or drop them off at daycare, for example. However, at this point, the baby already understands that even if the mother leaves, she will come back.
From 2 to 3 years
By now the baby will be walking almost perfectly, and consequently, their independence will increase. So, separation anxiety tends to decrease as they get busier exploring the world around them.
How to Reduce Baby Separation Anxiety
It’s normal for a baby to cry when they realize their mother is not around, just as it’s normal for them to try and get used to the situation and learn she will be back soon. But thinking that sneaking out will be better for the baby is a mistake! As soon as they notice, they’ll start to cry—and this can also erode the baby’s trust in their mother. So, when you have to go, just say goodbye to the baby face to face even if they cry. Over time, they’ll understand and learn to trust that their mother leaves, but she’ll be back. Another good tip is for the mother not to stop doing things she needs to do alone—continue doing what you have to do, like leaving, taking a shower, or washing dishes3. The baby may start to cry and that’s natural; the world won’t end because of it. Even if you feel like picking them up, it’s important for them to get used to and understand that, even if their mother isn’t in sight, she is still nearby or will return soon. However, especially in the baby’s early months, don’t leave them without comfort if they’re crying. As stated earlier, babies don’t yet perceive things and have no concept of their own or others’ existence. So, if they cry a lot, it’s for a reason—such as hunger, thirst, or pain. It’s important to soothe them, as babies feel secure when comforted by their parents, which helps build more trust. This trust will help them build their own identity and move through all the phases without trauma. Also see: Baby Growth and Their Crises Photo: ben_kerckx
